I'm 17. I don't need to be stressing out this much.

I know you said you'd see me ,
But I fear you'll change your mind.
Please don't do that to me.
I need this.
You need this.
We need to see each other to see where we stand with this.

I can't eat or sleep.
Not because I'm sad.
It's because I'm excited for the first time in forever. <3
please don't take that away from me.

-I love you and I believe we can be happy together again.

Memories stuck in my head ..

I can't breathe.
You still ,
Haven't made your way back to me.
I need to know ,
Am I hopelessly hoping ?

-buried in the past.
there's so many moments I want back ..

losing sleep , holding onto my hope.

You now invade my dreams.
I had the perfect one last night.
It was about your return.
It was everything I wanted it to be.
But darling , I need that in reality.

Terrified to go to sleep ,
In fear of thinking of you ..
I'll just become an insomniac.

No matter how much my eyes long for sleep ,
My thoughts go aray when I try to put my mind to rest.
Memories fill my head when my heart needs a break the most.
I can't quit thinking about everything.
Our loving past,
Our miserable present,
Our possibly impossible future.

Reminders of your love tear at me.
I can't be completely happy without you <3

-if only you felt the same. then I could sleep a little better at night ..




... My smile was taken long ago.

I was stupid to think I'll ever be okay with this ..

I had a dream last night.
You were back. As soon as we saw each other , we hugged. We kissed. Then we were in some place and I was hugging you again. I had missed you for so long and I didn't want to let you go ever again. I refused to. But I did. And we walked out of the place to your car. When I got into my seat , the passenger side like always , I slid down in the seat because I was so exhausted. You said to me "you're laying the wrong way" you meant that I was supposed to be laying on you. So I asked "why do you say that" and you answered , "I realized you're the one" that made me so happy to hear that. So I kissed you. I told you that I loved you and you said "I love you too" and I asked "are you sure?" and you said "yes"
Everything I've been hoping to happen , happened
And I was so happy for the first time in the longest time.
And it all felt so real ...
Then I woke up.

And I cried.

All I want is for this dream to come true <3
I've never loved anyone. Not one boy.
Just you.
And to not have you , hurts my heart everyday.

You're kicking me out again ..

What's worse than not being with you ,
Is knowing that if I was with you .. It wouldn't be the same at all.
And I'm not even to blame.
You're the one who's changed.
You say " it wouldn't be the same "
Darling , it's because you're a whole new person now.
Yet I sort of feel ..
That maybe , just maybe ..
If you saw me ,
You'd be who you used to be ?
Can I hope for that or do you believe it's too silly ..
I don't want to say you're different now.
Mainly because I refuse to believe it.
But people change.
All. The. Time.
The whole thing is , I could care less if they all changed.

It's just you.
You that I want to stay the same forever <3

I want my July back.

Memories kill me ,
Because in the back of my mind ,
From the very beginning ...
I knew they'd only ever be memories.
I knew that were entirely too good to be a constant occasion.

It just all tears at me.
Each day.
Every night.

I refuse to believe.
I refuse.
I refuse.
I REFUSE.

I refuse to believe it'll never be like that again.
But then I wonder ,
Is it just memories I'm holding onto ?
No.
It's not.
I'm still so in love with you.
I always have been.
I still love you , more than I did yesterday.
I always will.

I don't want to let this all go.
And when I look back at it all ,
How we were , how you were .. How much you loved me ....
I just want it all back.
I want you to love me like you used to.
The thing is , you act like you don't love me at all.
Anyone who understands love ,
Knows that once you love someone - you never stop.
But I know you were honest with each "I love you"
So I wonder ..
Are you just hurt ?
I know I hurt you , but you said you moved on.
And you said you didn't want to be with me.
So all signs point to being okay.

You really can't blame me for not understanding everything , when you won't help me to ...

Is this Gods test ?

I have wondered that for the longest time.
I have faith that he put you in my life for a reason.
Not just to be my first love ,
But to be my only love.

I don't know if you know what this feels like.
It all feels so hopeless.
I feel like I should have given up by now.
Loves a letdown recently.

But I have so much hope.
I refuse to give up.

If I'm smiling , I'm close to tears.
When I'm crying , I want nothing but to laugh it off.

I will never understand how you can just give love up.
Do you know how many people would kill for love ?
And you are just throwing it away.

We always said we were different.
I always knew we could make it through anything and everything.
Are you telling me that we both were wrong .. ?

It breaks my heart to think that you don't love me the same anymore.
And to know it's all my fault ...

Torture of the heart.

We both know you miss me.
You can pretend like you don't ,
We both know you do.

But you're with "her" now.

So stay outta my dreams.
You decided you didn't want to be apart of my life ,
So make up your mind , please ?

I want you in my life.
But you are making that impossible.
Therefore I am trying to move on.
And you're making that very hard.

I know I'll never move on.
At least not for a very long time.
But you've moved on ,
You've made that very clear.

So just leave me to suffer in my misery.
You owe me that much.